I stood in my kitchen and looked at my husband sitting on the couch as I got ready to take our three small children to church. I loathed him as I thought to myself how spiritual I was and what a spiritual failure he was. I asked him a question so I could make him feel small, not to get an answer. I knew the answer.
I asked, “Are you going to church with us?”
He said something like, “No, I don’t believe I will.” He is a kind man with no hidden agendas or motives. He is secure in his own skin and wasn’t intimidated by me. He wasn’t being argumentative. He simply didn’t want to go and he wasn’t a fake about it. I probably didn’t want to go either but what would the people at church think if I didn’t show up?
I said something like, “It must be nice to do whatever you want and not worry about the children’s spiritual lives.” I’m sure he wanted to get off that couch, take me in his arms, and tell me what a blessing I was and thank me for steering him in the right direction.
I left the house feeling self-righteous and like God agreed with me. I felt He wanted me to let my husband know how disappointed He was in his spiritual leadership. I thought if I simply loved and approved of him, I was sharing in his guilt. How many women out there feel the same way? Like it’s our job to lead our stupid men? Every single sitcom, commercial, and even children’s shows all tell us the same thing. Men are idiots who need us to lead them down the right path.
Enter The Holy Spirit.
A few years into this horrible religious nightmare, God came and posed a few questions to me…
“How would you feel if Andrew or Scott had a wife like you? What if they were not treated as valuable and precious? How would Rick’s mom feel if she knew what you were hiding in your heart?”
I was destroyed.
I felt as if God started to open my mind to understand some deep truths about who He is. He is love. I was the opposite.
I wanted my husband to become a godly man.
God always goes to motive. He wanted to get under my facade to the truth. Why did I want Rick to be godly? Was my motive love? No way! I wanted him to be godly for my own comfort, period. I thought walking with God would equal financial stability and he would see everything my way (since God and I were so tight).
We all lie to ourselves about motives. We can make anything sound so good and pure. Only the Spirit can search us out and call us out.
If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.
1 John 4:20
No one on the planet wants to admit that if we have hatred in us for others that we do not love God, but scripture makes it plain. What do we do? We either let it drive us to divorce court or to the source of Love.
Scripture often comforts us but it is also a hammer that crushes our egos and pride.
“Is not my word like fire,” declares the LORD, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?”
Jeremiah 23:29
Our stony hearts need to be broken into pieces.
The damage I personally see in marriages is overwhelming. I cannot imagine what God sees as He looks across His world and into every single home. Children watch as parents treat each other worse than they would ever dare treat anyone else, and it becomes their normal. They feel the tension and their little hearts become fearful and damaged. What is in our hearts will come out our mouths so don’t think you are hiding what’s inside. Just because your little ones can function in the chaos does not mean you are not doing massive damage to their psyches.
None of this has to happen. It is a choice we make. We have God’s Word to teach us and His Spirit to empower us to do what He says. Our own human will has the potential to bless a thousand generations or to take our families straight to hell.
Our children are supposed to see a picture of Jesus Christ and His church through their mom and dad.
There are guilty dads out there, but I am talking to moms right now. What is more important than the souls of your children? Why are you not following so hard after God that nothing else really matters to you? Why are you not choosing to be a conduit between heaven and earth so your children and husband can drink Living Water from you?
If we are ever going to become a woman of God who blesses our husbands, our children, and this world, we will do it one way; by faith.
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hebrews 11:6
If we believe God exists, ninety-nine percent of our problems should be over.
Think about it. If God simply spoke and made everything we can see and can’t see, what is happening right now that He cannot overcome? All of life is a joke compared to who our God is.
He only rewards those who earnestly seek Him.
If we seek any other thing than God, we will be disappointed. We will be dry, shriveled up balls of neediness that suck the life out of everyone.
I know these are harsh words, but there are few men of God in this world and there is a big reason; there are few true women of God. We have embraced a culture who is more concerned with appearance than with the business of heaven.
The Bible does not say a woman will be won over by her man, but it does say a man will be won over through us. He may not read a Bible but our lives will tell him that He is both extremely valuable and deeply loved by God; without words. (1 Peter 3…for the love of all that’s holy, read it).
When I started down this road, I did everything for Rick as an offering to God.
I couldn’t do it for him because I wanted immediate gratification (still self-centered). Marriages are not destroyed in a day and they are not rebuilt in a day. It happens brick by brick; or small kindness by small kindness.
I read what was in the Bible and I felt none of it. I did it by faith in the One who had it written down. I didn’t have high expectations, but I didn’t look at divorce (again) as an option. When my husband would come through the door, I chose to greet him as I would a neighbor or a guest. I decided (it’s an act of the will) to make him feel loved, important and appreciated.
I constantly reminded myself that he was no different than my boys. Any of us who have little boys need to remember how easily their egos are crushed. When they feel inadequate, anger is usually the first response. They cannot thrive in an atmosphere of negativity. They will do anything to stay away from it.
When our man is treated as our hero, most of them will start to become a hero.
God will touch a man through a good woman in ways we cannot imagine. Faith means we do it before the results happen.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
We hope for the marriage God meant for us to have. If we don’t have a deep inner conviction of things not seen, we won’t do what God says. We will take it into our hands and do exactly what Proverbs says we will.
Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.
Proverbs 14:1
That scripture says we are either building or destroying…we are not neutral. Who would have thought God would call women the builder of our homes. It seems like it would be the men. His Word is laser focused and accurate. God knows the depth of our influence.
Do some soul searching and ask yourself, “Would I want my son to marry a woman like me?” If you can’t answer that question with an enthusiastic “yes,” then start in Proverbs, get a highlighter, and mark every single scripture about what a wife or woman can be, both negative and positive.
Take a long hard look at them and decide you will be the woman at the very end.
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:1-12
